What Farm Animals Would Think If They Were People

What Farm Animals Would Think If They Were People
Who are they, really?

Cows

If cows were humans, they would be in the mafia. I am sure they would drive Cadillac Escalades and have secret meetings Soprano-style. Cows make our entire economy go round. Every socioeconomic demographic invests in cows—think In-N-Out, steak, ice cream, cheese. When they looked pissed off, it’s just because they know how badass they really are. You can only dream of being so powerful.


Horses

There are two types of horses: horses that think in Southern accents, and horses that think in British accents. Both are a little pretentious, but you would be, too, if you were that majestic. Intelligence comes to them naturally and they are always prepared. They were voted most likely to succeed and probably ASB President in high school.

Chickens

Chickens are angry they’re always ridiculed by people. “You’re a chicken, you sound like a chicken when you sing, you have chicken legs, your saggy neck skin looks like a chicken’s.” When has anyone compared something positive to a chicken? Only when you’re craving tenders at 2:00am or Sunday brunch eggs Benedict. Chickens know they’re valuable, it’s time we started acting like it.

Sheep

Sheep are freaking cute. They think sweet and soft thoughts. Usually strawberries, clouds, Girl Scout Cookies, pillows, green grass, and tulips. What you see in a springtime lamb is exactly what is in their mind; they’re nurturing and want to make you smile. An animal so peaceful, you count them as you fall asleep at night.

Goats

Goats are the attention seekers of the farm. They need their bleats heard, they crave you responding to them no matter what their bleat is for. Ever since goat cheese became popular, they’ve gotten cockier, increasing the amount of attention they need from us. Each thought that passes through their mind is said, sometimes provoking an argument. Goats are your crazy aunt or uncle at Thanksgiving: you may want to shut them out, but they will always be an important member of the farm.

Pigs

Pigs are don’t care about anything. Their thoughts float between “what time is slop being brought out again?”, “why isn’t my mud pit as moist as yesterday?”, “nap time is now.” They know they’re tasty in all types of ways. Bacon, ribs, ham, pork chops, I can’t think of a pig-based product that is not delicious. They live a very relaxed life because they’re aware of their fate— a breakfast sandwich.

Ducks

Ducks think nerdy thoughts. They play World of Warcraft, have memorized Lord of the Rings trivia, and all know exactly how to use Windows desktop computers. Most ducks know they’re whimpy. Some think they’re the exception and try to be thug, however, still have their Android smartphone connected to their belt.